On Seeing Twilight: New Moon: A Comedic Analysis

2009-11-22T02:13:00.000-08:00

Hey, Schreiers,

I'll admit it- I was (a little more than) kind of reluctant to see New Moon at first because the first Twilight movie was so flipping GODAWFUL and SOOOO not worth going to see the 12am showing for. Twilight itself was unappealing to me because Edward is:

a) a stalker, because he basically says, "I like to watch you sleep, so that's what I'm gonna do, despite the fact that it's technically illegal.

b) a pedophile- no matter how you look at it, he's still going with a kid. You get experience after living for a century. You look seventeen on the outside, but he's not seventeen on inside. So, therefore, Edward = pedophile

c) a creeper. I mean, come ON, dude. Stop staring at me during lunch. GOD. I smell good! I get it! GO AWAY.

(Oh, and to clear things up, I was not one of those 12am premiere girls- in fact, I did not see it until I borrowed the DVD a few weeks ago from a friend who owns said godawful movie.)

I did not like Twilight for many reasons: the bad eye effects- you know what I'm talking about with those gold/ red bulgy contacts, the "superpowers" that looked as real as a 1940s horror film with the terrifying man in a giant suit that stomped on dolls, the fact that a robot played Bella Swan that seemingly blinked every time she could not compute her love interest's lines, the lack of lines for co-stars that actually spoke in the badly-written-but-not-as-godawful book, the giant forehead that was Edward- was there a face below that? I could never tell because his hair was so GIGANTIC, the lack of non-stalkerish behavior that said Giant Forehead used, Giant Forehead's supposed role as the hottest guy in the movie- at which he failed, because his costars stomped all over him... HECK, I thought ERIC is cuter than FH, the fact that there was no chemistry between any actors, excepting Esme and Carlisle, the fact that Jasper seriously refuses to buy a comb despite the fact that they sell them at the Dollar Store, Edward's 'diamond' skin that looked more like he had a weird disease... the list goes on.

The only thing I gained from that movie besides tired eyes and a brain hemorrage from trying to wrap my head around how Edward and Bella's actors had "chemistry" was respect for Robert Pattinson for TWO things:

~ having the ability to play such a creeper without shivering all over like a ninny every few minutes.

~ being unexpectedly suave as a human being and trying to work with his disgusting character to give him some sense of- if I may use this word- humanity. And not failing half the time.

SO, for the time being, I am a Robert Pattinson fan. He's a good actor, he has charisma and as a fellow human being, I like him. He may not be attractive or as buff as Taylor Lautner- who I will get to a little later in this article- but he has a... something that I like a lot. I'll keep my eye on Mr. Pattinson and will probably go see 'Remember Me' because it looks GREAT and I'll be able to see him in a new light- as a normal, pissy, stressed-out human being like the rest of us- with no (not-so) sexy vampires, magical wands, or otherwise surrounding him.

HOWEVER, the New Moon movie wasn't bad considering the lack of emotion from our resident robot, KStew, the somewhat-better-but-still-bad-eye effects that at least didn't look like they were from out of a pop-up book like the first one, the lack of emotion from most of the "steamy" parts ("I-LOVE-YOU-ED-WARD. NEVER-LEAVE-ME." "YES, BELL-AH. I WON'T-BECAUSE-I-AM-WHAT-THE-HUMANS-CALL-WHIPPED,") the fact that the director of New Moon try to hypnotize us into believing that hot shirtless boys = better than chemistry (he almost got me, too) and Bella's bad "pained" features (she mostly looked bored and like she just woke up), the general UNbuffness of the rest of the wolf pack and so on... By all the negative things, I'll bet you're like, "Well, what the frank DID she like about New Moon?"

A few things, actually, and yes, TayLau is a part of this top ten:

10) Taylor Lautner. Now I have been a Taylor Lautner fan since Sharkboy and Lavagirl, because he's a little bit older than me and a cutie. I KNOW, havign seen Sharkboy 30,000x that I can say for certain that this boy's body is beautiful. Seriously, it's a specimen. I approve of this choice of Jacob, especially because Taylor made it impossible to hate Jacob since you could actually understand his emotions. (Although having had to stare at those abs for the majority of the film, it was a little harder to get why she chose Mr. (Extra, Scarily So) Pale-Face anyway.)

9) Edward's lack of stalkerishness. Now that they're going out, it is DEFINITELY less creepy to watch his object of affection while she sleeps, if you like that kind of thing. Which we know you do, Mr. Creeper. ;)

8) The dream sequences. Very well done... In the first movie, Bella simply states "That's when I first dreamt of Edward." but there are no actual dream flashes excluding that millisecond where she's in some bizarre 1900s time period as Edward bites her neck (see, I bet you don't even remember that part.)

7) The line "Don't make me choose between you two, Jacob. Because it'll be him. It was always him." Well said, Bella, well said. You just punched Jacob's bruise. But it's okay, because every ab-dizzy fangirl was ready with an emotional ice pack and tissues.

6) The lighter banter from the movie. It wasn't so DOOMGLOOMFORBIDDENLOVE. It was more like, okay-we-know-we're-not-supposed-to-be-doing-this-but-let's-do-it-anyway. It gave the movie a lighter feel and not so boring to watch, despite the fact that Edward and Bella's kisses were awkwardly hungry and almost embarrassing to watch... like a couple who tries to hard to show that their in love. Hm.

5) Robert Pattinson. He made the movie bearable because there was the fact that his acting was pretty darn good. His slight smirks and grins made him instantly likable to me because even when he was being annoying, that little grin made it hard to smack him, even in your head.

4) Robert Pattinson. Déjà vu? nope! This is less about Robert and more about those awesome action-ey scenes where he got the crap beat out of him. Not because it was funny, but because it felt kind of like a punishment like- *SMASH THROUGH MARBLE STEPS* THIS IS FOR STALKING HER! *SMASH THROUGH MARBLE BENCH* THIS IS FOR MAKING HER LIE TO HER PARENTS! *SMASH INTO MARBLE FLOOR* AND THIS IS FOR SPARTAAAAAAAAA!!!! Also, he gets killed in a flash forward of sorts about what would happen if Bella didn't come save his dumb suicidal behind. That made me not so mad about his behavior in Twilight- the Volturi tore him UP- and also wonder how he was going to seem UNstalkerish after rereading Eclipse- the only book in the trilogy- Breaking Dawn is NOT a Twilight book. It's a LONG, POINTLESS EPILOGUE- I did not despise with every portion of my being. This fight-scene pleasure includes the mini-fight scene between Edward and Jacob towards the end, even if it was Jake who got the beat-down in that round.

3) Charlie Swan, Bella's pappy and the only redeemable male character that had more than fifteen lines in the whole movie. He was awkwardly funny and much, much like a real parent.

2) Carlisle. He had- what?- TEN lines, and I still liked him. A lot.

1) The last ten seconds of the movie. THE. BEST. EVAR. And not just because it was almost over. Seriously, I felt the desire to reread Eclipse- which I promptly borrowed from a Twi-hard buddy of mine- and insert the current actors in the my head as the scenes occurred. (Although, in my head, Kirsten had waaaay more emotion than usual, Robert was 20000000x times sexier and Taylor had a shirt on and short hair because (a) I would've been distracted if he didn't have a shirt on in my imagination and (b) it looked WAY better than that long wig.) I feel the desire to see Eclipse when it comes out six months from now. And you know what? I probably will.

After all, Twilight: The Movie was the bottom, so it can only go up, right?

...And we all know Bella's response to Edward's question. Stupid girl. (I'D say yes, and he's not even a drop dead TayLau. And yes. TayLau is the new word for gorgeous. Or at least hot bod.)

Wink Wink

2009-10-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

Heyyyy, Schreiers!

By the way, since my blog's name is Rosen die Schreien (which means 'Roses that Scream' in German), I've decided that all you peoples who read it are gonna be called 'Schreiers'. Because, see, to 'schrei' is to scream, and so I'm calling you Screamers- because who hasn't had something they've wanted to shout as loudly as they could, but couldn't? Hopefully I'll say some of those things, but for now, I shall blather on like... well, like the person I am.

I have another countdown for you!

TOP FIVE THINGS EXPLOITED/DESTROYED/BLOWN UP BY THE MEDIA

5) Myspace- You know what I'm talking about. To Catch a Predator is one. I never said Myspace was exploited in a bad way. >_0

4) Walmart- nobody gets raped or dies there anymore... at least, that's not what I haven't heard on the news, so I'll assume it's true.

3) Pete Wentz- Now. Technically Pete shouldn't be up here because he blew himSELF up, but still, the Media kiiinda helped it along. Don't deny it.

2) Britney Spears - while I am DEFINITELY not saying that she hasn't done some... questionably weird things, you can't say this top five doesn't apply.

1) Swine Flu- I had it. Didn't die. (Seriously.) You know how many people have died from swine flu? 307. You know how many people die from seasonal flu yearly, the US alone? 36,000. Yeah.

This is standard, but I swear to shake it up if you swear to listen...

2009-10-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

Hello. I've never posted anything up here before, so I want to say what I have to.

There are many people who have many personalities, but I think the best personality to be is the one you strive for the hardest, even if it isn't "you". I mean, sometimes being yourself isn't enough, so who am I to judge anyone who is happy pretending a little because they can't be who they want to?

Life's useless and more than a little blase without a little drama and pretending- you've gotta admit. ^_^

Things to know about me... hm. My life long dream is to be an international musician. I write lots o' songs, and lots of stories!

Amount of Concerts I've been to: Zero. (I'm a concert virgin. [TT__TT] )

One Secret: There's only one person I truly fangirl over... and he's not even famous. ;)

Two Famous People I Like: William Beckett and Ryan Ross

Three Truths I've Learned About Life: Prepare for disappointment, but drop the shields if it doesn't come ~ Life's Short. Talk Fast. ~ Cats hate everyone.

Four CDs I own: Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge (My Chemical Romance), Mr. A-Z (Jason Mraz), 21st Century Breakdown (Green Day), Take This To Your Grave (Fall Out Boy)

Five Songs I Love More Than Vanilla Wafers: Maps (The Yeah Yeah Yeahs), Bang the Doldrums (Fall Out Boy), House of Wolves (My Chemical Romance), Enjoy the Silence (Depeche Mode), Golden Boys (Res)

Six People I Want to Meet Before I Die: Bill Kaulitz, Meg Cabot, Eoghan Quigg, Ryan Higa, Brendon Urie, Frank Iero

Seven Things I Like About Food: Crunchiness, Sweetness, Sourness, Coolness, Scent...iness, Yumminess, Heavenliness

Eight Names for my Future Child: Female: Spice, Aureve, Hanna, Kiri ~ Male: Topher, Aiden, Jack, Dante

Nine Delicious Things I Can Never Get Tired Of: Crybaby Bubble Gum, Vanilla Wafers, Patrick Stump's voice, Whoppers, the word 'fraggest', applesauce, Yoh Komiyama, you (don't) know who's eyes, the way NeverShoutNever sings 'stand' in that one song, 'Dare4Distance'.

Ten Words That Make My Life: Geico saved 15% a year by switching to Gerard Way.

(^^ count 'em!)

Peace, Love, and lot of Chocolate,

The Novel-Girl Herself

Phrase of the Month:

"Pikachu! I choose you!"

Rosen Die Schreien

On Seeing Twilight: New Moon: A Comedic Analysis

Wink Wink

This is standard, but I swear to shake it up if you swear to listen...